Saturday, August 31, 2013

changing what this blog does, changing who i can become

till today i have used this blog infrequently to offer my responses to social and political issues. this has taken the form of essays, poems and short notes.

today onwards, i am going to use this blog to talk about something else. i've another blog called which i now plan to use regularly to talk about issues i've felt strongly about since i was fifteen. that was an important turning point in my life. that was when i realised that what i wanted most was to actively participate in making the world a more comfortable place for unhappy and uncared for people, particularly, children. my naive ideas have since matured; my gullibility and childlike faith in strength of purpose and character have since evolved. but, my basic aim in life is still the same. amen.

so, what am i going to do with this blog? talk about an intimate aspect of my life which has run and evolved parallel to my social worker/social scientist personna in the last fifteen years. my experiences with health, ill-health and healers. it has affected me in ways i cannot count, done things good and bad i cannot always describe accurately. but i have decided to write now because i think this aspect of my life is capable of turning me into a not-so-nice person. it has in the past made me ignore discipline, basic etiquette and imperatives of self-help. i don't like that and so i've decided to use writing to get rid of it.

i've often thought in the last few yrs of (hard-found) correct diagnosis and effective treatment that i'd some day write about all of it so that others might benefit from whatever information and insights i have gained. these kinds of blogs are hard to find in India compared to what one can find in several other societies (my experience is largely limited to American and Australian blogs). we do not think health is something we can talk about, or something that can do with social and emotional support and understanding. i have often wished to mend that by beginning to talk about my life. but, finally what forced me to start writing is my fear - nagging, relentless fear of more health-related disaster - as well as fear of the kind of negative and unlovable person i might become.

i won't follow a chronological order. i will talk about anything that happens in the course of the day that is related to my health-related past and my passion for social-political change and academics. i am at a point in life where i can make all the negativity, the failures and the fears go away. or i can let myself turn into a nervous depressed wreck who is afraid of a drop of rain, a gust of wind and a more than 5 degree drop or rise in temperature.

i am about to join the department of Sociology at the University of Warwick (UK) for my MPhil/PhD. i am proud of the offer of admission and the amazing scholarship i am getting. and yet that has not been enough to dispel the ever-present gloom and the all-pervasive anxiety that i have lived with for more than ten years now. so it is high time i do something about it. what i say on this blog is part of a serious attempt to achieve just that. wish me well :)

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